PHighter Friday: Jenny Janzer

My childhood was a dream, a dream that I woke up from on April 6^th 2001 as I held my parents hands, shaking in a doctors office with ringing in my ears- you know, the stuff of movies, just… not the kind you want to experience. I was only 11 years old when I was told I had Primary Pulmonary Hypertension (That’s what they called Idiopathic back then). I was stage 4 and pretty sick… the doctors told my parents there was a chance I could be dead within 6 months. This week I just surpassed my 15^th year of dominating PH. I never thought I’d make it this far, but I’ve got a fighting pulse within me that refuses to quit.  My name is Jennifer Janzer. The name Jennifer means, “white wave,” or “white shadow,” or sometimes, “the fair one.” There’s a reason I tell you this because for those first 11 magical dream years, I grew up on a lake and from the minute I could, I’d spend every day in the water. I embodied my name- white wave. My mom called my sister and I her little fish. We would snorkel, just lay in the water, rock hunt, swim out over the weeds to sandy spots or catch frogs and turtles while swimming amongst them. I played in the lake, I bathed in the mud, I was an earth-kid, claiming Mother Nature as one of my nurturing parents. April 6^th 2001 I was told I would not be able to swim ever again. It was probably the biggest blow they could have given me at that time. I also had to start on an IV pump right away, which would pump a drug called Flolan into my chest. I had no idea what this meant and went to sleep for the surgery thinking when I woke up, I’d be fixed, not attached to a machine that my life depended upon.

This change skyrocketed me into maturity. I no longer understood what my peers did, boys didn’t matter, the right shoes or clothes didn’t matter, making sure I had medicine with me 24/7 mattered, making sure I changed the ice packs on my Flolan every 4 hours mattered and keeping me isolated is what mattered. My doctors upon diagnosis, whether they meant to or not, instilled a fear within my parents and I that crippled us while I gritted my teeth through middle school. I’ve blocked out a lot. By high school I realized how ridiculous some of these rules were and fought against them like a little rebel. I wanted to be normal. I was in severe denial. I sobbed while watching my friends swim every summer, sometimes sitting on the pier, watching, listlessly chatting. I lost friends at school; people would point and whisper, “there goes the diseased girl.” People feared me- people didn’t understand me.
I was pulled from gym, but actually quite ecstatic about that as I had never been good at it. I was always last for the mile run, passing out and vomiting while we ran laps. Flolan was my lifesaver, but it left me miserable with side effects. I began to call myself the “blood leopard” because of the bright hot painful red rash the Flolan left all over my body, including my face. It’s this hideous splotchy white and red rash. I still have it today. I spent so many mornings as a teen crying and frustratingly trying to cover it up with layers of caked on make up and tears. I’d skip some days of school just because I hated how much I looked and felt sicker than anything. The pain drove deep into my bones and I became severely underweight. The side effects of this medicine make me miserable. I went through a depression and my anxiety grew to the point I became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave the house without having debilitating panic attacks.

At 18, I finally sought out counseling. I overcame that anxiety and so much more. I finally then, reached out to other PH patients, for the first time, breaking my shell of denial. My life began to brighten. I saw so many other PH patients going to school or working jobs. I had finished high school and decided to try college. I’d see doctors and when they’d find out I had PH they would say, “wow well good for you for going to college,” as if they knew I could never finish, but still felt like telling me, “hey, nice try.” It may have taken me seven years but I graduated with a Bachelor in English/ Creative Writing with a concentration in poetry. Writing has been my cure in many ways. 

If I wasn’t sick I’d love to be a geologist however, out in the field, digging up rocks, feeling the earth change beneath me, measuring its growth in sandstone dunes and river-carved valleys. PH took a lot but it also gave me a lot. I learned responsibility, I learned to laugh at myself, and I learned to love every miniscule moment. I know it sounds silly but I never find myself bored anymore… the world is bursting with possibility and even on the days I am restricted to my bed I’ve learned to value it and find ways to occupy myself if even just in my mind. I’ve always had a wild imagination. Any time I’m feeling good or even “okay”, it’s a good day. I no longer carry the denial or angst or hatred I did as a young teen. I grew to accept my rash- and found the best make up to conceal it on my face- (Kat Von D’s Tattoo cover-up make up has been my life saver, I so wish I had it through high school.) As of right now I’m on or have tried pretty much every medication for this disease. My story is so long that if I keep going much longer I’ll type you a novel. I dabbled in SubQ Remodulin for 2 years, but got sicker. However, in those two years I got so much freedom from the mixing and 24 hour watch of my pump that it was worth it. Flolan saved my life again as I went back on it at age 20. I also am on Opsumit, Warfarin, Digoxin, Lasix, Oxygen and my other least favorite- Adcirca; again for the bummer side effects it gives.

I also suffer from Ulcerative Colitis, Psoriasis, Asthma, and had Graves’s disease until I got that raging hormonal thyroid scraped out.  Life hasn’t been easy but it’s taught me to appreciate everything. It also taught me the value of people, true people that care. It’s rare to find a gem amongst all these grains of sand and the select support system I have I couldn’t be more grateful for. They make life worth living. I’ve found other things I love- music, for example. I don’t even care about what I look like anymore or who thinks what of me, I’ll drag my o2 tank right into a punk mosh pit, I’ll haul it around while I dance until I can’t breathe at folk punk shows and rock n roll festivals. I may look ridiculous, sometimes I get weird looks or rude comments but I feel strong. The more I smile, the better I feel. I also found a love in unsuspected places- abandoned buildings. Maybe I feel a connection with them but there is something exhilarating yet calming and just “right” about visiting them and photographing them. I can take the grimiest looking building and turn it into art with the right lighting and angles, or take a decayed peeling rusted post and showcase it’s abstract beauty, forcing people to look at things they would probably never think twice about. Forever, though, writing will be my special outlet to the constant pain PH produces and the constant fear, guilt, and anger it brings into my life.


Speaking of fear, since I was 11 and learned exactly what a lung transplant was, and had to listen to exactly what the surgery entailed, it has been my biggest life fear… and now it is my reality. My family was not ready for this; they have been my biggest support system. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am right now. My mom gardens and when I was younger we had to come up for a new name for transplanting flowers because I couldn’t even hear the word “transplant” without having a panic attack. I’ve come a long way since that, but I’m still terrified, and I now need new lungs or I will most likely be dead in 1 to 2 years- or so my doctor said. Yeah, I’ve heard that before, DUDE, but I’m a WARRIOR and I don’t plan on letting this disease defeat me anytime soon. Life has given me a lot of lemons. And I don’t sugar coat it, no, I’m not about to make some lemonade. I eat that lemon, rind and all and spit the seeds out to the sky, grinning.

So, as much as this next step scares me, as much as I shake at night, and quietly sob through every morning, I will get through this, because like everything else I have to and I do. Looking back at what my name means, I now more so embrace the idea of the white shadow and the fair one… fair however, as in I keep a balance in my life. And white shadow as in, I will bring light to even the darkest corners I find myself in. SO! Bring it on, body! You may be trying to kill me, but I am not letting that happen anytime soon!

You can find me/my art and writing on these social media sites:

gofundme for my double lung transplant: www.gofundme.com/2bp6gthb
Instagram: @mostpulp
Tumblr: mostpulp.tumblr.com
Etsy: mostpulp.etsy.com

PHighter Friday Follow Up: Haley

In almost just a year and a half since I last wrote for Miss Serena (Haley's previous post can be found here,) Pulmonary Hypertension is quickly becoming a closeted thing in my life. Like a favorite sweater or coat you buy, wear the hell out of it, and after so many years it spends more time in a closet because you're somewhat discovering other fun coats? That's currently my situation.

I don't know how I've had such a great recovery, but I really do believe that recovery dwells within the mind, and spirit; The body will eventually follow. I've gone to therapy, explored medications (whoops - not such a great idea), explored natural healing for my mind, and I really do believe that because I was so focused on how I felt mentally and spiritually that my lungs are now keeping up quite well. While Pulmonary Hypertension will always be an unfortunate huge puzzle piece to my life it doesn't necessarily take the spotlight anymore, and for me that is quite healthy.

Knowing this information, and craving change, I moved myself up into the mountains and into high altitude as well. I came armed with my medication, oxygen, and it's been lovely. While some might think it's negative to have to slow yourself down because of your disease, I think it's wonderful to force myself to slow down, and catch my breath. Life up here is breathtaking in so many ways - not just because of the low oxygen, but because of the beautiful scenery, and all of my lovely animal friends (deer, and more!) I've pushed myself into jobs that are extremely physical, forcing myself to really break out of boxes that my disease put me in. While I know my limits, I'm discovering silly ones that my mind set for itself; something I believe we all unintentionally do. I love visiting my doctors, and watching the surprised look unfold on their face when they see that my breathing is almost normal, and I'm "looking" better.

As a patient of a rare disease, it's hard to force yourself into change. You get used to your doctors who know you inside, and out (quite literally), supportive friends, stores that you can shop in, pharmacies that you may really enjoy the customer service there...it's just hard to pick up and move. Not only do you have to move your furniture, but you have to scope out a whole new medical area, and if they will even be prepared to deliver what you need. I moved to a state that is so behind on two major things; education and medicine. Being an educator and seeing some of the schools in my surrounding area is just cringe worthy. Education is not pushed because of poverty, and how families function daily. Also, the nearest hospital is a little over an hour away from me, and even then it's a tiny hospital that barely has the means to go. It's been quite challenging in both these areas of my life to adjust to these lower standards. However, I love a challenge.

I think my overall theme for these last months of my life has been "challenge". We box ourselves in without even knowing we are doing it, and create kind of false realities of what we can and cannot do because of our disease. Don't be that person. Instead, be a safe person who knows limits, and is careful. A person who also wants to try new things, and do exactly what people think you cannot do. They said I wouldn't live, and I did. They said I wouldn't be able to work, and I have so ridiculously much. They said I wouldn't be able to dance, and I danced my ass off in ceremonies. They said I could never live in altitude, and I'm living quite healthy, and happy. Who knows what is next...maybe I'll soon be on the mountain snowboarding!

We think we know our bodies, and even doctors think they do, but for some reason I'm still the "mystery" patient, as my doctor calls me. Try things, grow, be safe, and actually live. Surviving is no longer an option.

-haley.
phenomenalhaley.wordpress.com

PHighter Friday: Kayla

Hi my name is Kayla and I am 22 years old.  I am not your average young adult, I have overcome a lot of health issues during my life.  I was born with a lot of health problems including being born with a Giant Omphalocele, (all your organs outside of your body in a jelly sack) hole in my heart, (fixed when I was seven), club foot, scoliosis, and I was tube fed until 5 years old.  I also didn't get to go home from the hospital until I was about 3 months old.  During my childhood I was in and out of the hospital.  After middle school, I had a seven year gap of non-serious health issues.  Until the summer of 2014, when my world was turned upside down. 

I remember it was a hot summer day and I was walking in the mall with my mom and I was walking very slowly and trying to catch my breath.  I thought I was tired from the heat and maybe hungry.  So we made it to the food court, sat down, and got something to eat.  After that I felt better and could walk back to the car.  The next morning I was gasping for air while I was asleep.  I have never experienced that before.  My mom immediately called the doctor and got an appointment that morning to check out what was wrong with me.  When I got to the doctors I was still having a hard time breathing, but I was still talking and alert.  They decided to check my o2 sats and I was in the 60s.  They immediately called the ambulance and rushed me to the ER.  The ER thought I had an asthma attack, but I never had one of those before.  I do have asthma but it's only reactive when I have a bad cold.  So they gave me tons of breathing treatments and it helped a little, but not enough.  The doctor decided to admit me to the hospital.  He told me he wouldn't let me go until he found the answer.  It took a week to do all the tests to determine what was going on.  The last test to confirm their diagnosis was the right heart cath.  That was very scary being awake on the operating table.  I held it together barely.  When the heart cath was done the doctors told me I had Pulmonary Hypertension.  I was confused, scared, and speechless.  I had no clue what PH was.  The doctor explained in detail and still I didn't understand it.  All I remember was it is not curable and I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.  In the past I was use to having health issues and having the doctors solve them the best they could.  But I never thought I would have to deal with a rare and non-curable disease for life.  On top of that I had to be on oxygen 24/7 because of my low oxygen stats and I'm still on oxygen today.  

All of this was new territory for me.  I was in denial for awhile and kept asking my parents why is this happening to me.  They kept explaining it to me and they were really supportive.  Eventually maybe about a couple of months later I adapted with my new way of life.  I have always been a positive person and I knew I could get through this tough time because I have done it my whole life.  The o2 and the meds were what was saving my life.  I was in a new semester in college when I was diagnosed and had to get back to it.  I went back a week after coming home from the hospital.  I had to drop 2 out of 3 classes because I would have been too overwhelmed.  My parents helped out and bought me a portable oxygen concentrator, so it would be easier to go to school and get around.  I even bedazzled my concentrator, to make it more fashionable!  I got through that semester and during that time I knew I wanted to spread awareness about PH.

I never heard of this disease before until I got diagnosed with it.  So I knew I needed to do my part and raise money to help find a cure.  That's when I decided to start my own fundraising jewelry line called PHantastic Jewelry.  I always have been into fashion and love being crafty.  I created my own website (phantasticjewelry.com) to share my story about being diagnosed with PH and to sell my handmade jewelry for awareness.  The net proceeds go to the PHA to help find a cure.  I knew for myself to cope with this "new normal", I had to give back somehow and turn it into a positive.  I enjoy making the jewelry and spreading awareness about PH at local craft fairs and open markets.  Also at these events I get to meet a lot of great people and hear their stories of their own health battles. 

I feel good that when I share my story people are comfortable to share their's.  Some people may wonder how can someone on o2 be doing so much.  Well, since I was born my family, friends, and God have been my support system and my parents taught me an important lesson early on to never give up.  There is always a "silver lining" in hard times.  I strive to do my best and achieve the goals I want in life.  This past year in a half has been intense, but I learned so much.  With being diagnosed I actually have had more energy and developed an exercise routine with the help of Pulmonary Rehab.  I just finished another semester in college and I took 3 classes.  First time having that many classes since being diagnosed.  I feel so good that I am back at where I wanted to be.  I am so appreciative because I am stable with PH at this time and I can focus on school, enjoying being with my family and friends, and working on my fundraising jewelry business.

For the first time in awhile I feel like I can slow down and "stop and smell the roses" instead of being in survival mode.  I hope sharing my story will help others that are having a tough time that it is important to remember take it day by day.  And your life will change a lot being diagnosed with PH, but really try to have a positive outlook.  It truly helps in this situation!  Also allow yourself time to adapt to your new way of life.

PHighter Friday: Shannon

Confessions of a Young Adult PH Patient

Hi everyone, my name is Shannon O’Donnell and I am twenty years old, and I have primary pulmonary hypertension. I am on IV Remodulin, Revatio, blood thinners, high blood pressure medication, and oxygen at night.  I was diagnosed when I was six years old. I was told that I wouldn’t live pass a year without a double lung transplant and now it’s been fourteen years since then. And now, I’m doing great, I’m off the transplant list, and talking to my doctor about getting off IV Remodulin and going to the oral form of it.

My story begins on May 31^st, 2001, I was six years old and  had no idea what was going on due to being a young child not really understanding why I’m different from my friends. My doctor wanted to admit me right away but my parents took me home in order to graduate from kindergarten with my friends, my parents wanted good things to remember of me before we started treatment. A few days later, I graduated kindergarten and had huge party with my family. The next day, we went back to Boston children’s started this rollercoaster called fighting PH. I started out on nitrous oxide then that stopped working and I had no choice but to go on Flolan, which was only approved for adults since there were no medicines approved for children at the time. That’s what I remember of the start of this uphill battle.

In second grade, I went on a Make-A-Wish to Orlando; my wish was to go to SeaWorld and swim with the dolphins and feed Shamu (a killer whale or an orca whichever species name you prefer.) I got to Disney too, and see my family mom’s side as well. Then six years later I was put on IV Remodulin due my school system threatening to take away my rights to education due having to be on ice packs 24/7 unless I switched to medicine that did not involve being on ice. Then being on the cad pump got in the way of being a teenager and I switched to the crono-5 pump. About three days after going on the pump, it decided to go off in the middle of class. I raised my hand and calmly told my teacher I had to go the nurses office and my headmaster (principal) saw me asked me to hand over my phone (he thought the pump was a phone.) I flipped over my pump and he escorted me to the nurse when saw he look of fear on my face.  Then a year later came prom, and I had no idea what to do with my pump, so my sewing teacher transformed a spandex skourt into a spandex skourt with a pump pocket. I still use it till use it today whenever I wear a skirt or a dress. Then a year later came senior year. Senior year ah the worries of college acceptance letters, SATs, and graduating. Not for me. I was in and out of the hospital and was barely passing all my classes. Well, I graduated and moved on to a community college where teachers don’t understand zero below temperatures aren't good for PH patients to be waiting for a crowded train.

I was told I couldn’t go to school full time or do sports. Now I go to college part time at a local community college, and take karate at a local dojo. I volunteer at The Hole In The Wall Gang Camp founded by Paul Newman (I was a camper there as well.) I also teach karate to mentally challenged children, and teach second grade religious education at my church.  Life at diagnosis was hard because you can’t tell a six year old not to run around. I don’t really remember much expect that. Back then, I coped with everything by playing my dolls, coloring, reading, listening to music, and playing video games. Today, I still cope by drawing, reading, listening to music, playing video games, and watching TV and watching movies. If I have learned anything from watching many Disney movies is that even if you’re different you will always have good friends by your side no matter where you go.

The advice I would have given myself when I was younger is that you got to hold your head up high and smile because you are the greatest star. My advice to anyone that reads this is that "Your imperfections make you beautiful; they make you who you are.” –Demi Lovato.

PHighter Friday: Karen

My journey with IPAH started nearly 27 years ago. I was about 4 months pregnant and went to the doctors as I was feeling breathless. This was my third baby. I never had breathlessness with my other two pregnancies.

I was given two inhalers for asthma.I started taking them regularly. I was then at Antenatal Clinic, and the lady I was seeing there told me that I was very breathless. I said "yes, I have asthma." She asked me when was I told that I had asthma. I said about three weeks ago..she asked if I would mind going for an ecg. At this time I was also going through a messy divorce, and my husband at the time had the girls. I was living with a new partner. I had the ecg and went home.

I shortly recieved a phone call telling me to pack a bag and get straight to hospital. I went to the hospital so scared out of my mind. I was then seen by a doctor who said he thought that I had blood clots on the lungs, but would test me in the morning. I was admitted for two weeks to get stabilized. The following morning I was seen by two doctors and had lung function tests. I couldn't have X ray due to being pregnant. They had a meeting and then came to see me in the afternoon. They suspected blood clots on the lungs and told me to consider a termination. I couldn't go through with that because I had lost a baby at 6 months prior between my two girls. I went ahead with the pregnancy. I had to give my self three injections of Heperin daily. The baby was born with no complications.

This is me and my husband , daughter Sarah is the middle daughter her hubby and my grandsons.

It was not until two days after that the vicar came in to read me the last rites. My blood pressure had plummeted through the floor. I was on constant oxygen and bed rest. Some how I must of had someone looking over me because I made it. Once my little baby was three months old I went to a chest hospital in London, England. I had numerous tests and was told that I had PH. I was put on Warfarin, Propafenone, and Nicardipine. No real PH drugs were available at the time. I was seen by this hospital every three months. During this time with PH I had many bad days, and with a new baby and two daughters it was very hard work. I had alot of support from my friends and family, which is good if you have PH. I got very depressed and shut my self away for three months of not going out etc. One day I got up and said to my self "Come on Karen, get out of this rut" and to this day I havent looked back, now only forward.

I was sent to Hammersmith hospital 14 years ago and that was the best thing ever. I was admitted for a week for full lots of tests and met some wonderful people. All the doctors and nurses in the Hammersmith PH team are fantastic. With the right medications like Bosentan, Sildenafil, Digoxin, and 8 liters of oxygen over night I have been good . I have recently been put on Macitentan and its brilliant so far. I had previously suffered with severe SVT's which is where I was taken to the local A&E and given Adenisone to stop them. Once the drug never worked and I had to have a cardio version. At hammersmith they sorted this problem out with having a heart ablation twice.

This is my daughter Leanne of 26 years old. 

My daughter is nearly 27 and a beautiful young lady I must say.I have two grandsons who keep me going, and a wonderful husband who gives me such a lot of support and does a lot for me. I had a nasty partner before him.


I am quoted at being class 3 IPAH. I was told 20 years ago that I had 5 years left to live. No one can tell you how long you got to live. I have learnt that having IPAH you have to pace your self in life. This may make people laugh but at times I get very scared, especially at night time. I think my heart is not going. So I sit up and get my stethescope out and listen to my heart. My husband asks me "what you doing?" I say I am making sure my heart is going lol. I know its mad, but I like to hear it. I also check my oxygen sats too. You have to remain positive and be strong during your PH journey.

PHighter Friday: Colleen S

In the PH community, I often hear people being asked what their life was like before diagnosis. I've been asked this myself many times over the years. The thing is, my life before I was diagnosed with PH was the same as my life is now. I don't know what it's like to breath normally. I don't have a clue what going from an active lifestyle to a PH lifestyle is all about. That is because PH has been my entire life. It's all I've known. I actually thought, as a kid, that it was normal to take hours to recover from running around with your siblings and friends. I thought everyone took naps when they were exhausted! And although everyone around me, family included, always told me I looked purple, to me that was just my thing!

I was diagnosed when I was 9 months old, but technically, I should have been diagnosed months earlier. My mom brought me to a free clinic to get my first set of immunization shots, and a doctor there thought something was up with my heart. My mom took me to the pediatrician, who didn't think anything was wrong. So at the same free clinic for my 2nd set of shots, the same doctor who saw me the first time told my mom that something was seriously wrong with me, because I looked blue. My parents ended up taking me to a children's hospital, and after many tests, they discovered I had a pretty bad congenital heart defect and pulmonary arterial hypertention. At that time (1975), the doctors couldn't do anything. It was too late for surgery to correct the holes in my heart, and there wasn't anything to treat PAH. My parents were told I might not make it to my first birthday, or I may possibly live til I'm 50. They weren't given much hope! But here I am, 39 years later, and I'm still living to share my story!

First Airplane Trip

I grew up with a lot of "cannots." I cannot participate in sports. I cannnot take gym class. I cannot go on rides that'll get your heart rate up too much. I cannot get pregnant. And so I lived my life following the "cannots." I often wonder if that really was a good thing or a bad thing, but I guess since I followed those rules pretty closely, and I'm still here, it was a good thing? I followed my grade school dream of becoming a teacher, getting my Bachelor's and eventually ending up in a preschool classroom. I loved it! But after only a few years, those preschooler germs started loving me. Too much. I was on my third major respiratory illness during my third year of teaching when my primary doctor came into the exam room with tears in her eyes and told me I had to quit my job. She wrote me a note that I took to my director right after the appointment. I was 24 at the time, and never even thought about quitting a career at that age. Who would??

A few years later after my PAH symptoms continued to get worse, I ended up going to the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. I was referred by my doctor to go for a transplant evaluation. At the time, the shortness of breath started happening more frequently (just getting dressed in the morning was becoming a 30 minute event), and an elephant had permanently moved in on top of my chest. That was one symptom I didn't have growing up, and it was not a symptom I particularly enjoyed! Being sent to Cleveland was very scary. Transplant was even scarier!! But my first visit, I was sent back home after so many tests with instructions to start taking Coumadin, a blood thinner, and to wear oxygen all the time. After several more visits to Cleveland in the following months, I was put on Tracleer. I had no idea what it was, or exactly what it would do. All I knew was that I surely hoped it would help my elephant to move on, and that I would start feeling better!!

My first shipment of Tracleer brought me not only the first medicine I'd ever try for PAH, but it also brought me into the world of the pulmonary hypertension community. I grew up knowing I had PH, but it was something that was never focused on. My heart condition was the central star all those years. Once I found the Pulmonary Hypertension Association website, my knowledge of PH started to expand. But what really hit me?? THERE WERE OTHERS LIKE ME!!!! I seriously spent a week reading the message boards and crying, because there were people I could relate to and totally understand!! It was like finding a miracle! 

Tracleer got that stupid elephant to move out several months after being on it, and I also didn't feel as short of breath doing certain things like I was always used to feeling. It was a pretty awesome feeling for a few years, until I felt like I needed to add another medication to the mix. Revatio was added, and the combination of the two is what I am still on today. Pulmonary rehabilitation was something I found out about from phriends (friends who have PH), and after inquiring about it, I started going twice a week at one of my local hospitals. It's been a little over six years since I've started pulmonary rehab, and I truly believe it's a part of what's been keeping my PAH stable in the last several years. Kinda hard to believe I went from no gym or sports as a kid/teen to working out a couple times a week at least! No, I am not running marathons or doing heavy weightlifting, but that is ok! Exercising at any capacity is beneficial, even if I can only do it a little at a time!

So after my PAH seemed to be stable for awhile, the next part of the equation was....what am I going to do with my life?? I couldn't teach. I knew I'd never go back to that. But I didn't know what else to do. Some days I had more energy than others. I'd have one day where I wish I could be at a job, to several days when I was thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have one. Then one day I got a call that started the ball rolling for me towards a direction I never thought about. I was asked if I'd consider starting a support group for PH patients in my area. At first, I was pretty terrified. I could handle being around kids, but to lead a group for adults??? I guess you could say that my shy background made the whole prospect a bit daunting for me! I really had to think about it. So, that's what I did. I spent a couple weeks thinking and praying and talking to my loved ones about the idea. I finally decided to go ahead! Yes, I was incredibly nervous about it, but I felt it was something I just HAD to do. How many years did I live with this disease by myself?? I just knew I had to at least give others the chance to not feel so alone after their diagnosis! 

In the 10 years since starting a support group in the Niagara Falls/Buffalo, NY area, I have really become involved with helping PH patients. I've had so many meetings, a large variety of topics and speakers, and phriends I care about very much. I have also become a big part of the online community for PHers, by being a PHA mentor, a chat leader, a blogger, and just a presence on Facebook. I had always wanted to teach in a classroom, but it took me awhile to realize that a "classroom" didn't have to be a place with 4 walls. It could be anywhere! I have even educated complete strangers during shopping trips about PH! And, in the 10 years since starting my support group, I have also learned to not be so shy with people. Sure, I can keep quiet sometimes, but more often than not, I put myself out there and let others know about this awful illness. Awareness is the key to so many answers, and I never know when one day I will talk to someone and they tell me they have PH, too!

My life with PAH is something I cannot change, and honestly, I think it has helped shape me to be the person I am today. Do I have days when I am angry about having it? Of course! I allow myself to have those angry days, or days of self-pity, but not for long. What good does that do me? I have learned to deal with this disease, and to cope the best I know how, and I have learned to help others going through the same thing. I have also not let PAH BE my entire life. I enjoy things like reading, painting glass, making jewelry, spending time with family and friends. In the last few years I have allowed myself to take on challenges I never thought I could do, because I always had that "cannnot" attitude with me. So I've gone on hikes, I've been on a jet ski, I took my first ever trip on an airplane! There are so many more things I've let myself try, even if I may not be able to do them again. I try my best not to let PAH take over my life, because if I did, I can't honestly say that I'd be living to the best of my ability!

A Year in Review

Me vs Pulmonary Hypertension

It has been one year since diagnosis. I really expected things to be different.

When I started this blog another person with Pulmonary Hypertension told me to keep it light- no one wants to hear you complain or cry. While this advice is sound- it is difficult to explain how this process has been without sounding like I am complaining. Truthfully- the past year has sucked. There is no way around it. There is not a nice way to word it. It sucked- and that is okay. Things are allowed to suck. You are allowed to have a bad year- and it is okay to own it. So, if you don't want to hear about my year (which most people would categorize as the physical shits) I would skip this post and continue with your day.

Being diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension, especially so suddenly and at such a severe stage proves complex and difficult. It has complicated all of my relationships, and sometimes I carry a lot of guilt. I know this disease isn't just hard on me. It is hard on my parents, my family, my boyfriend, and the few remaining friends I have left.

Someone who cares deeply about me deeply told me the other day that sometimes he thinks that I am faking. I was initially hurt by his words, but then I thought about it. Other than the oxygen, I look completely the same. He has no idea how I feel, and even if I were to describe how I physically feel, he will not truly understand how it feels because he is not in my position. He will not understand that even though I look fine, I am exhausted from working harder than him just to breathe all day. Something like a wheelchair is a visual cue to others that someone is not able to use their legs. When you have a heart/lung disease there is no visual cue.

In the movie Maleficent, the main character has wings because she is a fairy. One day someone she trusted cuts off her wings in her sleep. When she wakes up and discovers her wings are gone she lets out a giant scream and sobs while holding her back where her wings once were. It sounds silly, but I really related to this scene. It felts as if someone, somewhere, decided someday to take away my ability to use my heart and lungs properly. When you are unable to breathe properly- it is hard to do many physical things that you one enjoyed. I can't explain to you how much I miss my independence and exploring the world around me.What hurts more is not being able to do a basic task, like dress myself without supplementary oxygen. Doing so without oxygen leaves me breathless and my lips blue. It is a shitty feeling for anyone. It is something you never expect to happen to you, especially at such a young age. My sense of normalcy has been taken from me, and I don't know why. Sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong to do deserve this. Was it something I ate? Was it karma? Was my name drawn from a hat?

I am in a long-term relationship with a wonderful young man who is in his 20s. He has been as supportive as he knows how, and I am thankful for that. I know it takes a lot of love and faith to stay with someone with a condition with mine- and I know that not even marriage makes people stay in situations like this. I obviously have some guilt about someone so young choosing to stay with me. I don't know what my health will be like in the future. I cannot give him biological children. I really don't know what could happen. I don't know what kind of future I could give to him, or promise him- or anyone.

Not many people have the life experience of dating someone with a serious chronic life-threatening disease. Oddly enough, this is something that I do have experience with. I was in a relationship with someone for nearly 6 years who had childhood cancer. There were a few scares that his cancer returned, this seemed to happen around Christmas (just like my diagnosis.) One year, the year I was supposed to apply to university, the scare seemed more serious than the others. They had to run more tests- and we were obviously very scared and worried. This is a story I have never told anyone else... I shared with a woman at work about the potential cancer scare with my boyfriend at the time, and she shared with me that she too had dated someone with cancer. She said that he was the love of her life- but she couldn't stay with him. She felt it was too much of a gamble to love someone who was more likely to get sick- and perhaps, die. She advised me to do the same and said I should break up with him before things get worse. In a weird way, her advice helped me because I disagreed with it so strongly. Her advice taught me to love everyone as much as I can in all the time that we have together- which is a beautiful lesson that not everyone is brave enough to follow. This woman chose not to spend the rest of her life, with the love her life out of fear. After that I chose to do whatever I could to help. I decided not to apply to university just in case the next round of results were not what we were hoping for. I was prepared to put my life on hold and take care of him, because everything else would be waiting at the end if he did need treatment. Luckily, his cancer did not return. I went to university a year later...I had an early acceptance and was offered multiple scholarships. Everything was waiting for me a year later.

As previously mentioned, I cannot carry children. Pregnancy increases the risk of mortality in women with PH. Earlier this year I was sent to a gynecologist office to discuss my birth control options. I was sent on a few months after diagnosis. The nurse there asked me how I was dealing with the diagnosis. I responded that it was a "total bummer." She gave me a look and asked "total bummer?" It is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and that extends to those in my immediate circle who love me. Do I want to share this with a stranger? Not really- and I assume on some level a nurse understands the degree of suckage adjusting to that kind of diagnosis is. Being there was a horrible experience. The waiting room wall was plastered with faces of babies the office helped deliver. It dawned on me- this is a place people go for something joyous. I cried in the waiting room facing the pictures of children knowing I was there to prevent having my own because it is too dangerous. I cried speaking to the doctor about my options. It was too soon. (This was the second only time I cried at the doctors.) I imagine it is devastating to find out that pregnancy is too risky for most women of child baring age. I should mention that I have Teaching Preparation Specialization on my degree and worked at various child care centres- I was someone who obviously liked working with children and looked forward to being a parent. There has always been a desire to adopt. I am just worried I won't be healthy, stable or here long enough to be the mother I dreamed of being. However, there have been stories on this blog from other PHers who have adopted and they are 30-40+ diagnosis. How silly would it be if I let opportunities pass me by because I was afraid? What if I reach my goal of living to 87 years old and decided not to pursue anything because I was afraid I may not be here? That would be a life wasted. I am trying to learn that I cannot let fear decide my fate, nor can I let this disease decide my fate for me.

A video posted by serena (@worshipandtribute) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:03pm PST

I like to end things on a positive note. Although this year has really sucked (like really sucked,)  I haven't accepted defeat. As I mentioned in an earlier post I started to do Wii Fit Yoga as soon as I was able to stand again after diagnosis. I would have to do this at 4 liters of oxygen per minute. Now I walk for 20-40 minutes on a the Wii Fit bored on 2-2.5 litres of oxygen per minute. I can also box using a punching bag and do exercises on a Total Body Gym on the same amount of supplementary oxygen. I never thought I would be on oxygen for an entire year (or more,) but I have clearly made great improvements. I can sit completely without oxygen for the entire day. I have returned to work part-time and only use my oxygen to exit and enter the building. I am starting to do small tasks without oxygen, and my doctor is confident I will get off of it completely once my heart heals as it is. I was in bad shape and I suppose it will take sometime for my body to adapt and heal. I am looking forward to 2015. I am okay with one year out of my life being the physical shits. I plan on having many more, so one year out of 87 isn't bad.

I have also learned that I really really really like having control. Feeling as if a disease has control over me is not an option for me. As such, I have found ways to give me power back against Pulmonary Hypertension. I have done research on the characteristics of Cancer survivors (because no research of this exists for PH.) Oddly enough, a lot of the characteristics of Cancer survivors overlap with the qualities I have found in the PHers who have contributed their story to this blog! I have been trying to embrace those characteristics and incorporating alternative and complementary health care into my life. I have seen a naturopath, Bowen therapist, a CHEK practitioner, hypnotherapist and a healer. It might sound a little crazy- but why not try anything and everything if it is not dangerous? I also regularly get back massages at the fanciest spa in town and I think the world would be a better if everyone could get one. I journal everyday. I do at least 20-40 minutes of cardio everyday. I have altered my diet to suit my new needs. I meditate, I do breathing exercises. I practice self love and do what makes me happy. I say no to things I don't want to do, and use a bathbomb from Lush every Sunday. I do research about Pulmonary Hypertension, medication, so on and so forth and I am my own advocate.

I am not sure what 2015 has in store for me, but I am hopeful that this will be the year I complete my "comeback."

PHighter Friday: Haley

I, like so many other young adults, spent the majority of my high school time impatiently waiting for the "real world." I was tired of high school, tired of being a so-called kid, and my body was physically tired. But, two weeks after my eighteenth birthday the real world came crashing in brutally. I was diagnosed with stage four Pulmonary Hypertension, and was given two years to live. Ahhh, the real world was SO awesome so far.

When diagnosed with something that is terminal, people automatically think you have all this wisdom, you're at peace with your life, and you're somewhat a courageous fighter. We see it in cancer books, on Grey's Anatomy, and other ridiculous interpretations of illness. I spent at least the first year of my diagnosis trying to evaluate my emotions, my lashing out at anyone, and my random crying sessions after doctor appointments. What in the hell was wrong with me? Simple; the picture in my head of what illness is supposed to be, and what it actually is was in the process of tearing me in half.

People really do underestimate and ignore the mental side to a disease. Yes, the problem is in my lungs, which works its way to my heart (causing it to work harder) but it eventually leaves an impression into my actions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. After a while, you feel like a disease. I would be treating my body for a while, then decide I didn't want to live, stop treatment, and was battling suicide. What was the point of fighting something that would claim a life I didn't even want to keep?

After a broken relationship, and removing certain people from my life, I was surrounded by my family, and best friends only. They were probably just as tired as me because they had spent the past couple of years watching me carelessly throw myself into deaths arms. When I looked into their eyes all I could see was a high school memory of one of my friends in his beautiful casket being lowered into the ground because he had fallen victim to suicide. I remember his parents and friends standing around, and hardly anyone could make eye contact with anyone else because of the perfusing sadness throughout their face. The idea of my family, and friends standing around my casket was unbearable. There in that moment I took my first step into my own sort of mental rehabilitation, and acceptance of Pulmonary Hypertension.

A little over four years later, I'm writing this with oxygen tubes up my nose. Its not the most ideal picture I had in my mind, but at this point I wouldn't, and literally could not have it any other way. Having Pulmonary Hypertension has been a form of art called Mind Over Matter. Mentally, I wrapped my head around this disease and I felt like my body soon followed. My art now has a purpose, my writing has given me a purpose, and I've met countless supporters, people, and had amazing opportunities. Why? Because of my crappy lungs. I really am thankful for them sometimes. It really takes reminding yourself that you have a disease, you are not the disease. On this email sent by Serena, she states, "Statistics are not kind or hopeful when it comes to this disease." Then she asked, "What have you been able to do that you were told you cant?" Well my statistics were given to me in the words of, "You may not live another two years" and that my loves is what I've been able to do; live.

-haley.
phenomenalhaley.wordpress.com

PHighter Friday: Tia

Myself a few days ago at a place near where I live
called Deception Pass

How Long Have You Had PH? What medications are you on?

I was diagnosed with Severe Pulmonary Hypertension when I was 9 years old, although doctors believe that I have had it since birth. When I was diagnosed at age 9, a lot happened. I was told I wasn’t going to live because my heart was so enlarged. A PICC Line was put in and I was put on the medication Flolan. I was only on it for less than 3 months when my PICC Line fell out in the middle of the night. Doctors made a big ordeal that if I was off the medication for more than 24 hours I would die. It was well over 24 hours without it and I didn’t die. Doctors then realized I didn’t need it. At age 12 I was put on Tracleer (Bosentan) where I did amazing on it! That was almost 15 years ago. I am now on Tracleer (Bosentan), Revatio (Sildenafil), Prednisone, Pulmicort Inhaler, Foradil Inhaler, and Spiriva Inhaler.

What are you able to do that doctors said you couldn’t?

When I was born October 22, 1990 my parents were told I wouldn’t live and if I did I would be mentally challenged due to being born at 28 weeks. Well, guess what? That didn’t happen. I was raised by incredible parents who told me I am no different than anyone else and I can do anything I set my mind to. I was always determined to get good grades in school; I was never in any special education classes because of my “disability”. I did have an I.E.P. (Independent Education Program) that was only because of having my oxygen and if I were to get sick and be away from school they had a plan in action to where I wasn’t to get behind in school. I graduated on time, with my class in 2009. I was Senior Class President and graduated on the honor roll.

Last Hospitalization:

I have not been able to move forward with my education because I had a health set back the summer after I graduated in 2009 where I was in the hospital for a month and a half, due to some not so great decisions on my part. Not due to being immature but being forgetful and caught up in being a High School senior. I forgot to take my medications that are so very important! I was in the hospital where I had a PICC line put in once again but this time I was put on Remodulin. Doctors were talking Lung Transplant, my family and I then until May 2010 went through everything to prepare for transplant. Testing, doctor visits with the surgeon, transplant classes, etc. I then decided when they were prepared to list me I told them no I wasn’t ready. In August 2010 I received a new doctor. I asked to see if I could have the PICC Line taken out. I was tested to see what was more effective, the PICC Line medication or Oral PH treatments and in conclusion I was removed from infused medication in September 2010 and my PICC Line removed that November. I would love to go back when the time is willing, I’d like to become and Echocardiographer. By this time in my life I could probably do them on myself in my sleep! Haha

What does your day consist of with PH?

Some days consist of being with my 1 1/2 year old and 8 year old cousins. Being silly and having fun with them. A lot of the time I like to relax at home, being with family every chance I get and spending all the time I can with my boyfriend Mac when he isn't busy working. I am sort of a homebody. I like movies. whether sitting at home watching them or going and seeing one. i love to ea and having being trying to get more involved and learning to cook more meals. I like going on little adventures here and there. Too much activity and I get worn out easily.

Hardest part of life with PH:

The one thing that has gotten to me though having PH the last few years is the fact I don’t have a good friend support system. To be honest I don’t have any at all. I mean best friend or good girlfriends that I can pick up the phone and cry to, talk to and know they’ll be there for me. On my part it’s hard for me to be that sort of friend but it would be nice if I were to be able have that. It is hard, and has always been hard. There is a difference between having friends and the people you went to school with. I was only invited to a few birthday parties by girls I went to school with here and there. No, one besides a few people actually reached out and tried to be my friend, not just in school but outside of school as well. My mom tried to push me to make more friends but it was hard when not everything girls want to do I could just go and do with them like walking the mall, or going and watching the high school football games, where I would get cold and turn blue just sitting there for less than an hour. I am girl, I like to get pretty, do my hair, and makeup. I like to shop but only when I know I need something because I know the mall is not friendly to me with all that walking. I’m more laid back, I love food and to go out and eat. I love going and seeing movies. More so yes I am a homebody because I can just run all day. I get tired, my oxygen only has a certain time frame of hours it lasts, and I get headaches when I do too much. I sound lame that way but I would give to have friends who understand and tell me its okay.

What is your dating life like with PH/Oxygen?

Everyone on the PH site asks about dating, having kids, etc. Honestly I was like any other girl I had crushes, oh many crushes growing up. I never dated though; I had my one tiny middle school relationship. A slow dance at an after school dance turned into a little fling for a few months. Didn’t involve holding hands or kissing but I did get flowers on Valentine’s Day in 6^th Grade from him. Then you move on. I have only had 2 serious relationships in my life; the first was the summer before my junior year of high school. A guy friend from school added me on MySpace and that’s how my life went in a direction I thought it never would. I got caught up in the whole my first love. I don’t regret that time but I was young, naïve, immature and definitely had low self esteem. He was a nice guy, but it only lasted so long. At that age it’s hard to get someone to comprehend this is what your life will entail being with someone that has PH and oxygen. He didn’t get the magnitude of it and I wouldn’t want someone to at age 18 fresh out of high school. I had a small relationship the summer I got sick after I graduated; he was a nice guy but not the guy for me. I then had the next 4 years. I took those to myself. I learned to love myself and build my self esteem up more than it ever has been. I had a long time to learn what I wanted and didn’t want in a guy and out of a relationship. That was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. In February 2013 I met my boyfriend on an online dating website. We have been together for a year and a half. He is the sweetest, funniest, cutest tattooed guy to come into my life. Not only does he understand my life, he has done things and wants to continue to do things that change his life to have me in it. I will admit he knew a good amount of time before me that I was the one before I knew he was the one. Only in part I was scared, I hadn’t dated someone since after High School. He has never thought differently of me with having oxygen. He told me the first time he seen my picture he loved my smile. He has told me early on that he wants to take care of me, no matter what happens. He is the one I am going to marry someday, and have children with. He knows I can’t have children and he would never let me risk my health to be selfish because he wants kids. We both do want children one day but doing it the right way. I have always said I wanted to do Gestational Surrogacy. When the time comes we will but adoption is also an option as well for me.

 

That is some of my story; I still have a lot more of it to happen. I hope any young adult woman or man who reads this that has PH gets some glimmer of hope from it and it changes how they feel about their life. I have always told myself when people say “Your life must be hard?” I tell them “Someone out there has it much worse than I do.” It’s the truth. I have never been unhappy about my life. This is my life and I live it to the best of my ability.

If you would like to read more about Tia and her day to day life please make sure to visit her blog: In the Life of Tia.The PHight or Flight Project would like to thank Tia for sharing her incredible PH journey for PHighter Friday!

* If you have an inspirational PH journey that you would like to share to help provide hope to those who are newly diagnosed, please contact me at phightagainstph@gmail.com. More information about sharing your PH journey for a #PHighterFriday can be found under the Share Your PH Journey/Contact tab.